| I have moved, |
[Dec. 31st, 2020|12:00 am] |
But it doesn't mean that I will never come back again nor post here again because this place houses so much of my memories.
Moved, moved on but part of me is holding on to certain issues I'm not sure if I'm ready to let it go FOREVER, |
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| Thankful for my lot, |
[Mar. 28th, 2012|10:15 pm] |
While I was fretting over appraisals, God sent me angels.
I am extremely thankful for my lot.
Praise God!
I thought my life was over when I couldn't get an online 300-word appraisal to get me into University. I felt bad burdening people very last minute-ly but it was only recently that I've made up my mind. Never really wanted to bother them too much so I didn't pester for one. It would have been really disgusting. Rejected once. Rejected twice. Stop. So I really gave up on all hope and thought that the worst case scenario would be going to a course that I didn't really like but would be willing to waste my life and time to get a degree even if I hated it.
I was thinking if Mdm Lee was the only one that was willing to write me one, then it would be as good as nothing because she doesn't actually have much to write since she isn't my form teacher in secondary school. She could only say about my work attitude and character but not about my CCA. Beggars can't be choosers but I am really more than thankful for her help because she actually bothers.Was really touched. Thought of asking Ms Lim but she must have so much on her hands (as usual) and she could only write as a bystander who watches me while I train under Jude and how crazy I go during PE. (Talking about her, I actually miss her quite a bit. No one motivates me like how she does. Mrs N and Ms Y is about there too!) Mrs Tian probably won't remember who I am. And Mrs Tan and Mrs Chan are no longer in charge of hockey. Jude is in India and I have no means of contacting him except through FB and email but the odds of him seeing it are so small. Mr Ng can't really write cause he's an EAS staff. Asked Ms Lee but had no reply either. It was really vexing.
Mr F had 10 on his hands and couldn't write one for me unless it's due on the 10th. Ms A had 6 and can't help me out either. I know Mrs G has a ton on hand and couldn't bring myself to bother her more because I gave her enough trouble and disappointed her enough. I asked Mrs N some time ago and decided that I should ask Ms Y instead. So I sent her an email last night after I got hold of Clara's LMS account and searched for her email. I was so uptight about it that I was checking my mail every 5 minutes in the morning. I asked Mrs S for one too but she said it was too last minute. So I gave up. I couldn't being myself to shamelessly ask beg for one after being rejected. Not like a deadline of 4 days would make much of a difference. So at that moment, I was vexed enough. I made up my mind enough to not use DA anymore because I couldn't get any Hockey teachers to prove my worth. (Or perhaps I'm worthless. I don't know.) Not like my national training squad status could get me anywhere. Not like I can continue sports in my life ever again. I was so frustrated in the office I almost burst into tears of fear and anger. It was so hard to keep smiling. I decided to give myself one last chance after lunch and checked my mail again. Ms Y actually replied! I was absolute ecstatic! At least I am worth something in someone's eyes (or at least I try to convince myself). I went wild along Shenton Way (and in the office).
That moment, I felt like a heavy load have been lifted off my shoulders.
So in the end, I still do not have CCA teachers to prove my worth but I don't care, I'm giving DA a try since I have hope right now. Not going to give up this time round. Not going to make the same stupid mistake.
Through this, I've learnt how people can be really God-sent angels and sometimes, hard work doesn't equal to appreciation. I am really thankful for the people who really took time to bother and accede to my requests without me shamelessly begging them for favours. I guess, paying in attention in class does pay off some day (although I don't see much in my results).
I was trying very hard to convince myself that I should continue being who I am and working for what I believe in because I have been cheated this once. It's a really painful and expensive lesson because when something is said and not delivered, a promise is broken. It was all sugar-coated lies. I'd rather be working for something that I can see, touch and feel, something tangible like money than for passion. What the heck can you do with Passion? Passion can't feed me. Or Passion can no longer feed me because of my incapacity to do certain things. It was this internal battle. I told myself that I would not turn out like that, I do not allow myself to turn out like that. But when it hurts so bad once, why would I be so stupid let myself be hurt again? I may be a masochist but I do not allow myself to be hurt emotionally because I do not allow myself to be. It's been n years, I've learnt to harden my heart. I've learnt to say 'No' I've learnt to reject people for my own good.
I've had received so much of God's blessings I think I should really give back to society. I checked volunteering programmes but they require 2 hours a week and a commitment of at least 6 months. I can't actually confirm commitment and break it but I'd like to be there for someone when they need help. I'd like to be their pillar of support.
I'll find another way to contribute!
(Received an email to ask me for documents for an application. I hope I'll be considered though I do not have the prior experience. Praying v hard this time round.)
Really thankful for all that I've received. I will pass these favours on.
Sacrifice noun, verb
Some sacrifices are meant to be sacrifices. You don't even get recognition, you're not even appreciated because those with connections often get it no matter how insincere they are. |
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| Some convincing, |
[Mar. 27th, 2012|10:31 pm] |
I'm trying to convince myself that all I did in school wasn't for an appraisal for discretionary admission / testimonial for scholarship application.
It's a little hard considering how I fought against so many factors.
I know I shouldn't get angry with the teachers just because they can't write me a testimonial just because they have a few more on hand but a part of me just feels so.. I don't know, it's like I've worked hard for nothing. How dumb was I when I believed that she would write a testimonial for me when she said it last year? Yep, I see no semblance of it this year.
Must have been a really bad student to deserve this.
Might just as well have murdered her and burnt her house down because she didn't deliver what she said.
I don't really like asking for favours but this time, I HAVE to. AND NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ME.
My life was all a scam. I should just stop schooling la. Can't even get into a decent score with such shit results. Want to use discretionary no one wants to write appraisal for me. Just get a decent job or just die.
WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?
Really. WORK SO HARD FOR WHAT? DO YOU EVEN APPRECIATE IT? NO SEMBLANCE OF APPRECIATION.
FUCK YOU VERY MUCH. |
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| I feel like a stupid joke. |
[Mar. 11th, 2012|11:56 pm] |
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If NTU doesn't accept me because I'm married.. I will give them a piece of my mind. It was just an accident. OMGOMGOMG. WHY DIDN'T I CHECK. LOL. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2012|10:38 pm] |
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i still cannot forgive myself. |
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| 'Fired' |
[Feb. 23rd, 2012|08:28 pm] |
Had a good mind to tell my student's mother that I'm done with her daughter and she should find someone better but she got ahead of me by a few seconds so I got fired instead. She said something slightly hurting but nah, I won't really take it to heart. At least I'm done with her. Done with some torture. At least I can enjoy some free time right now. If you ever call me back, I'll never go back. It was a good experience. At least it made me rethink of I want to have kids or not. When I was staring at her just now, I shuddered at the thought of having to coach my kids academically. Well, I did my job and that was the best I could do. So yeah, I don't really care. So long as I've tried my best, I have nothing to be sad about. At least I tried. At least I didn't give up. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. |
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| Touch someone's life, |
[Feb. 20th, 2012|09:09 pm] |
Whenever I'm upset with someone / something, I try to remind myself of the parable of the Pencil. I tell myself that it's all part of God's plan to make me who He wants me to be. It just got harder for me to try convincing myself today. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. |
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| Pains of Teaching, |
[Feb. 8th, 2012|11:50 pm] |
I've always been quite 'relaxed' with my student in a sense that I do not pressure her to finish her homework every single lesson. Maybe that's a mistake on my part and that I didn't set the ground rules properly. I don't do the "if you don't do your homework, I'm telling your mom" thing cause I think at the age of 11 going on 12, she should have some inkling of what's responsibility.
I know, I'm ranting but this has made me realise that my teachers had been really wonderful people.
I think the only thing I can't tolerate is her attitude towards learning. I know luh, at 12, girls tend to want to explore boundaries and act mature beyond their age. Been there, done some of that (except the explore boundaries part cause I felt I had more than enough to explore but looking back, hmm, should have tested the waters a little more). Yeah, she's more interested in fashion, friendship and other redundant stuff compared to studying. The ratio is like 10:1.
I have sent her many many reminders to tell her to do her homework but every single time I turn up, she tries to divert my attention towards something else like her school homework or other nonsense like showing me the toys she made in school. She promised to do her work for tuition and.. I don't say much, I don't even scold or raise my voice because I'm only that much older than she is and I don't think I would want to sour the tutor-student relationship. She dilly-dallies most of the time which is pretty annoying. I can stay at her house for almost 2 hours because for half an hour, she is there trying to get reading, digging for her books, looking for answer keys that she tore out but don't know where they are and getting water and food from the fridge yadda. I feel slightly cheated because I'm only paid for 90 minutes and I have the absolute right to walk out of the house at exactly 90 minutes but responsibility tells me that I have to teach for 90 minutes. And so, I just sit there and try to complete my task.
I'm starting to have this resistance to go to her house for tuition already. From the 6th or 7th lesson, she has been giving me attitude; like obvious ignorance towards what I have to say and teach her. I can go through the same problem sum 4 times and she still has no response. I know her mind is somewhere else (been there, done that, duh). She gives me the feeling that she isn't interested in learning and continues arguing that she has learnt separate topics and hasn't learnt mixed topics and I'm like dafuq (?!) because questions don't come out based on a single topic!
Someone please show me the P6 way of answering this question. I am thinking of a fraction. The sum of the numerator and denominator is 37. When I add 23 to the denominator, the fraction becomes 1/4. What is the fraction I'm thinking about?
So, it was this question today. She told me she has learnt fraction and that she has learnt algebra but not "fraction and algebra". She's trying to say that she hasn't learnt algebra in fractions and I spent almost 30 minutes explaining how to solve it to her and all she kept saying was "I didn't learn it before, I don't think it's going to come out.". Nice try. She got it in the end, but after 4 rounds of convincing her that it will come out because it was a PSLE question. It's a struggle every single time I try to get my point across to her.
I tried getting her something to motivate her but it didn't work out today. She got even more numnua and I just felt so.. Just off-normal.
I think I some time of reflection and maybe more strength to go on. I'll probably suck it up and try my best to put up with her for the rest of the year. After all, she's P6 and I can't just leave her in the lurch and see her struggle. And after preparing so much before the lessons.
I just hope she realises how hard it is for her parents (and me) to earn money and she better realise the value of it soon and learn to cherish every single cent that her parents spend on her tuition fees. And maybe, finally wake up and see that there's someone who is willing to commit some time each week to help her with her work just so that she would excel.
To my dear teachers, you've been so great. You've managed to put up with my numnua-ness in class / consultations. I finally know how hard it is to be a teacher. Sorry to have been a difficult student. |
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